Archive for January, 2013

dahil taon ng mga ahas

Posted: January 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

naalala ko lang yung isang linyang nabasa ko noon. kung tama ang naaalala ko, sinulat ito ni Ligaya Tiamson Rubin. hindi ko maalala ang pamagat ng tula at ang eksaktong linya, pero parang ganito:

walang kasalanan ang ahas manuklaw man ito. walang kulungan sa mundo ang magpaparusa dito. ngunit hindi rin naman kasalanan ng tao ang pagsanggalang, ang pagpatay sa manunuklaw.

so i guess the point is ahases will be ahases and anti-ahases will be anti-ahases. happy year of the snake! 🙂

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eargasms with amanda palmer

Posted: January 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’ve been listening to Amanda Palmer and Sarah Bettens since last night. Listening to Sarah Bettens’ voice feels like being lulled into a sweet slumber. Amanda Palmer’s song is a different case though. Strong words, strong emotions, great lyrics and melody. You can almost feel her love or anger as if you know her story. I haven’t been this satiated with music for so long. I remember a line I wrote way back: “music is skin, poetry is the underlying organs”. It’s nice to finally put new songs in my music player. I believe that music plays a great part in my emotions and I’m glad that I’m now taking a rest from the songs I kept listening to for almost a year.

New songs, new emotions? I guess so. Two weeks into 2013 and I am overwhelmed with surprises. Yes, I can feel it. The past three years have been difficult and 2013 has been really good to me so far. Yun na! Positivity, good vibes, music. LOVE. 🙂

Have you ever experienced knowing how to feel about something but not really feeling it? It feels as if you’re dead. Sometimes I’d rather be raging in anger than not feeling anything at all. Surprisingly, not feeling anything is sooo energy draining.

I guess people don’t realize how alarming being numb is. Be scared when I don’t feel, cause by that time I’d be dead.

“And death is when someone behind you keeps calling and calling. And you no longer turn around to see who..” – I Lost My Identity Card, Yehuda Amichai

I read that:

“People’s memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn’t matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They’re all just fuel. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there’s no distinction–they’re all just fuel.” — Haruki Murakami (After Dark)

And I also read that:

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Memories. Memories. Memories.

For the longest time I was in love with your memory. In denial that you’ve changed. Still shaking my head to the fact that you’re not the same person I know from way back. I was so fixated with the you I know that sometimes I forget the difference between reality and the desires of my imagination.

“Body cells replace themselves every month. Even at this very moment. Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories.”  — Haruki Murakami 

Despite that, I still can’t stop hoping that a “new” chapter between us is nothing new at all but simply a continuation of what ended earlier than what was wished for.

And I thank destiny for reunions, for chance encounters.. I thank Zucherberg for Facebook…  I thank the upper being for making me capable of dreaming.. For allowing me to sometimes have control over my dreams… and I content myself with that process… Reminiscing of a past long gone… Dreaming of a future that will never happen…

“I dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.” — Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)

For me:

“It was like a vague dream, a burning unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they’re seventeen.” – Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

but

“Only the dead stay seventeen forever.” – Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Confusion will eat you up in this kind of situation especially when you know that someone aside from you is going to get hurt. Being so wrapped up in the situation takes all of your power over it. You start to do the stupidest things (unconsciously-most of the time).

“Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to sleep through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won’t be able to escape it. Still, you have to go there- to the edge of the world. There’s something you can’t do unless you get there.” — Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

And then I question myself if those thoughts were really mine, or maybe just a part of all the ideas existing in the world just waiting for someone’s mind where they can land. I question myself if these thoughts are just borrowed, just heard from other people. Feelings that I can relate with so much, sometimes I think I could actually feel them.

That’s the point when I told myself that past is past. Dreams are just dreams.

“Dreams come from the past, not from the future. Dreams shouldn’t control you–you should control them. ” — Haruki Murakami (Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories)

Not fighting with your demons, running after what’s over will just hurt you and the people you are with today.

“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” — Haruki Murakami

Hurting someone is unavoidable. Unavoidable in the very same way that whatever you do, you will just keep on losing something that was never meant to be yours.

“That was like the tides, the change of seasons–something immutable, an immovable destiny we could never alter. No matter how cleverly we might shelter it, our delicate friendship wasn’t going to last forever. We were bound to reach a dead end. That was painfully clear.” — Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)

Falling in love with a memory and getting over a dream is terribly hard. It’s nothing short of being sick or crazy. Competing with a memory and a dream is even crazier. In the end, it will only be contentment that can save you from repeating the same mistakes you made before.

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads – at least that’s where I imagine it – there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

And after everything, you will finally realize that memories are created simply to be kept and remembered.

 

Until the universe plays with you again and she-or-he-who-must-be-forgotten visits your dream again haunting you with whatever you have silenced.

 

CherryRed July 2011

“And then it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.” – Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

“In a place far away from anyone or anywhere, I drifted off for a moment.” 

— Haruki Murakami (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

  

And the journey started

The most awaited journey

we will never forget

but we can never talk about

Water falls

Water flows

Flows through stones

I can never have you

But you’ll forever flow through me

Ours is a beautiful friendship no one else can touch. Ours is a longing even time cannot defy. Ours is a memory I can never speak of. Ours is ours. Ours is sour. Sour grapes. An illusion that has to stop.  A fantasy that needs to be silenced.  And so I did. And I thank the higher being for the gift of silence.

“Silence, I discover, is something you can actually hear.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“For both of us, it had simply been too enormous an experience. We shared it by not talking about it. Does this make any sense?” — Haruki Murakami (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

The hardest part is letting go of something I never had.

I mustered all my strength and decided to stop. It was the perfect time. And then I realized that the “perfect time” never really existed. It was just my stupid excuse. I used to believe that I can live with confusion more that I can cope with moving on. I was wrong.

“Being with her I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I’m thankful for it. It’s like that frozen pain and my very existence are one. The pain is an anchor, mooring me here.” — Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

I realized that no one else will save me but me. I jumped off of it and saved myself from drowning in a quicksand of memories and fantasies.  I gave it up for a spotless mind. Definitely worth it.

 

*CherryRed (July 2011)

Note to self

Posted: January 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

“I don’t think you can ever fill the empty space with the thing you lost.”
― John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

I think that line is just too poetic. That line feels so unreal for me. And then it hit me. We lose people in life and getting the person back still wouldn’t fill the emptiness. I guess when you lose someone, finding them never erases the fact that you once lost them. So you build these walls around you, try to keep anyone from taking that someone away from you. And you treat this someone very nicely so she would not think of going away again. You don;t realize that you are making new holes to fill. And you fill them by her presence. While your old empty spaces slowly becomes bigger. And you try to fill them by trying to grasp her presence more. Extending time, making the moments more special. Truth is you’re just fooling yourself. What’s gone is gone. You lose a person and if that person comes back, she wouldn’t be the same person you lost.

What to do? Stop filling the holes. Stop trying to cover the emptiness. Stop making new empty spaces in your heart with this person. Gaano pa ba kawasak ang gusto mo? Umalis sya wasak ka tapos pagbalik nya wasak ka pa rin?

Cherish what you have. Cherish the person that came back. Convince yourself that this is the best you can have with the person. Be contented. Yes. The secret to this shit is contentment.

Minsan masarap mang tumalikod kasama sya para balikan ang lahat ng nakaraan, mas magandang iwan na lang lahat yun sa lumipas. Mas masarap isiping kasama ko pa rin syang titingin sa hinaharap.

At hindi man na tayo magkaakbay, masaya dahil kasabay na naman kitang naglalakad. 

i WAS NEVER a single mom

Posted: January 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

My friend’s sister interviewed me for her homework. Questions were mostly about CLP since they were tasked to interview entrepreneurs. Entrepreneur. Wow. I never really looked at myself as an entrepreneur. Anyway, this blog is not about that.

I finished answering the questions last night. My friend’s sister sent me a document that I have to sign as part of her homework. I was shocked to see that part of her write up on me includes “she is a single mom”. I am not offended at all by what she wrote, but that line made me think.

Why do most people consider me a single mom even if they are fully aware that I have a partner? Will that label go ONLY IF i get married to a guy? Or at least have a boyfriend? Why do people care about labels too much?

Okay. My point is I WAS A SINGLE MOM. No, actually that is still wrong. The best way to compose that sentence is “I WAS NEVER A SINGLE MOM”. Single is just too subjective. Mothers out of wedlock who are still in a relationship with their kids’ dads are still not called single moms. Technically, only moms who are married are the ones not to be called single moms right? This society is just fucked up. And what is more fucked up is how this society shapes the perception of its people.

Single? Hmm. I was never a single mom even if I was never married and even if I am not with my daughter’s dad anymore. I have a family who is always ready to help me raise my daughter. I have a partner who loves me and my daughter so much. And I am in a relationship bound by a commitment ceremony. I am a mom, I am not single. I am not a single mom.

Not all pinoys are Catholics and not all pinoys believe in marriage, including me. I think we should not base a lot of labels and stereotypes on sacraments that not everyone believes.

So for the record, I AM NOT A SINGLE MOM.

Nuff said.