huwag mong kalimutan

Posted: August 14, 2015 in Uncategorized

sa kwentong ito, hindi masusukat sa kinang o bigat ang mga gintong iniipon natin sa ating palasyo.

halos sabay bumigat ang ating mga balikat, nagkadaupang-palad, ngumiti at kapwa tumalikod na sa nakaraang nagkakadena sa atin sa lumbay. naaalala mo ba? sabay nating tinawanan ang lahat ng mga noon na nabulok na sa mga tistisan ng alaala, ang lahat ng mga ngayon na hindi na mangyayari, ang lahat ng mga bukas na hiniling lang sa panaginip noong mga panahong pareho tayong walang malay at naniwala tayong pagmamahal na nga ang tangan natin.

ilang dekada na nga ba ang pakikipagpatintero mo sa mga payaso bilang manonood? gaano katagal bago mo napagtanto na ikaw na pala ang payaso at sila ang nanonood? sino ang nasa entablado at sino ang tagapalakpak? nasaan ang mga dugo at luha na pumatak sa iyong mga pakpak? minsan masyadong mabigat ang daluyong ng hanging humahampas sa iyong likuran, halos mangudngod ka kung hindi mo bibilisan ang padyak. minsan ay halos tuyo at mabagal kang pepedal habang nilalamon ng araw ang iyong balat. minsan ay patagilid ang unos at halos matumba ka – desisyon mo pa rin kung sa kanan o kaliwa ang bagsak.

ilang beses ko mang ipaalala sa iyo marahil ay makakalimutan at makakalimutan mo din. lalo kapag ika’y lito. lalo kapag hinahamon kang lumaban ng buhay at ng panahon. madami ka nang mga buhawing hinarap nang bukas ang mga palad, nakataas ang mga kamay, pikit-matang hinayaang lamunin ka ng lakas ng hangin, hinayaang mapunit ang damit, hinayaang magkagalos ang mga balat. ano pa ba ang hindi mo makakaya?

cherryred 081415

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bagyo

Posted: July 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

hindi mapakali ang panahon. nariyang humuni ang kalma ng hangin sa hapon, nariyang dumaluyong ang buhos ng malalaking patak ng ulan sa gabi. ang bawat umaga ay palaisipan. minsan ay magigising sa haplos ng malamya at malambing na sikat ng araw. minsan ay maalimpungatang naliligo sa pawis dahil sa tindi ng init. minsan mahirap bumangon sa lamig na dala ng ambon sa bukang liwayway.

may bagyong pabalik-balik. nasira na ang tahanan, winasak ang mga ari-arian. iiwan kang lugmok na walang-wala. walang makapitan. wala nang maiiyak. walang maisigaw. pagod at hapo na sa paulit-ulit na pagbagsak ng mabibigat na mga patak ng ulan na imbes na iwasan mo ay haharapin mo at masaya mong sasalubungin habang naliligo sa ulan – nakabuka ang mga braso, nakadipa ang mga kamay.

ilang zero visibility na din ang sinikmura ko dahil minahal ko ang bagyo. nakakatawang kung kailan malakas ang pagragasa ng mga emosyon kong pinipilit kong umabot sayo para maging area of responsibility kita ay saka ka naman biglang nawala.

yung totoo, nakakagulat din na lumilipas ang panahon ng ganun kabilis, na hindi mabasa ang parating na kinabukasan. maraming bagyo na rin ang dumaan sa buhay ko. hindi lang iilang buhawi o hagabat ang nagawang harapin. sa dulo, gulpi ka man ng pabago-bagong simoy ng hangin, matutuklasan mong nariyan pa rin ang pagnanais na sa bawat umaga ay bumangon. minsan biglang tayo mula sa kumot ng mga panaginip. minsan mahirap makipagbunung-braso sa antok na kumakapit pa galing sa malamig na kama.

sa katapusan ng bawat bagyo at bagong umaga ay ang bagong kasabay sa buhay – kayakap sa malamig na paggising o nag-aabang sayo sa kusina hawak ang nakahanda nang kape na syang lakas mo para sa bagong umaga.

CherryRed 071315

Scar Tissue

Posted: June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

habang pinakikinggan ang awit
nilalamon ako ng paghahanap
ng pananabik ko sayo

ang bawat nota
palo
kalabit
salita
na naririnig ko
ay nagdadala sa akin
sa lugar kung saan
buhay ang mga alaala mo

malungkot at nakapagtatakang
sa bawat sandaling ito
nilulukob at minumulto ako
ng makukulit
at hindi mamatay-matay
na mga panaginip ko tungkol sayo

pero matatapos din ang kanta
at papatayin ko ang radyo
tulad ng mga alaala mo
unti-unti
dahan-dahan
marahan
pero paniguradong
papatayin ko na sa aking isipan

CherryRed

The Last Gig

Posted: June 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

“nothing is ever really finished, only abandoned….

we have suddenly become enstranged
the closeness is gone
as if it never existed
and now we tremble at the slightest hint of touch

crisp and tentatively
each hour we’re together
snap one after the other
like a file of tensed strings

but an impossible faith made me grope for a chord
excruciating to complete the aborted recital

pain, always our slow hum of redemption

slowly, the strings snap
one after the other
as my hands crawl on,
knowing that the slightest pressure
may just strike my final echoing note

way too sudden
way too soon

now i know what was stolen from us
but the telling won’t bring it back

… and for that sigh of completion, well does that really exist?”

CherryRed

“Phototaxis is a kind of taxis, or locomotory movement, that occurs when a whole organism moves towards or away from stimulus of light. This is advantageous for phototrophic organisms as they can orient themselves most efficiently to receive light for photosynthesis. Phototaxis is called positive if the movement is in the direction of increasing light intensity and negative if the direction is opposite.”

What struck me is that I often don’t know what I really want. And most of the time I am caught between going towards or away from the light. Spinning towards the dark has always satisfied my craving for adventure. You see, when you have no clarity of tomorrow, everything feels so new. You feel so limitless. It’s as if you’re free. It feels like being kept in a cellar for years and you finally found the keys to your ball and chain. When you are lost, it doesn’t matter which direction to take because any path could be the right one.

Exploring darkness is more exciting than staring point blank at a bright white light. But who defines which is the brighter light? If I am a moth flying with a thousand of my kind, my reflex would most often than not leave me going towards the opposite direction. I guess there is something about going against the norms that amuses me.

The problem is when I get to the point where I am looking for a consolation. Looking for a middleground amidst all this madness.

No clarity of tomorrow. Letting go of a bright white light to feel the need to explore darkness. How can such a choice be negative? My thousand moth friends would surely shake their heads at my decision. How could you even bother to go there? They will tell me. And I will give them a timid smile as I fly towards the opposite direction. See there are many choices in life and having unapologetic disregard for the norm doesn’t automatically mean that I’m wrong. If I am, who cares? I’d rather go fly to it and be consumed by the darkness. My moth friends who are off to the “right direction” are just going to be killed by a big burning flame anyway. If we are all going to die in the end, why shouldn’t i enjoy this life at least?

Darkness is a big word. But hey, what is dark to you might be the brightest for me. The light in which we swirl closer and closer to each day is not only bright, but is burning. It burns us everytime and we are always there – ready to be consumed. Winds flapping to reach the fire. Smiling everytime our skin gets pierced by the heat.

Turns out, I made the right choice anyway.

CherryRed December 2014

truth or truth

Posted: April 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

4 nights, 3 bottles of liquor, 8 films, one “non working holiday”.

we talk like there is always something to talk about. we laugh like mad children. we grope on each other knowing we can get a dose of heat, just enough for the 3am cold. and we laugh about the sun rising on us again but it was never time to sleep yet. there is never enough time to talk about our endless wants and desires and passions that keep us going even if we have to walk blocks and blocks to get to somewhere. we talk about our passions as if our lives depended on them. as if food is only an accessory. there is always more things we wanted to do, together and on our own. this gives me the push to keep going. we talk about people’s pretensions and our truthfulness without really spilling the truth. my tongue carefully latching on to the things i want to remain a mystery.

and then we played a game that extended the end of the night from 7am to 930. of course i am not complaining. i never did. have you noticed? i didn’t care much about eating late, or staying up till morning, or walking and walking and walking. i did not give a damn about cheap liquor, because hey, we both know our highs depended on something stronger. something even we cannot understand.

CherryRed January 2015

there are no words

Posted: March 19, 2015 in Uncategorized

but here i am trying to grasp a group of letters
to a group of words
to sentences
to at least try to express how i feel

to give meaning to
the ticking of the clock
and the slow walks
as we talk in picturesque colors
as we drown ourselves in sound
imagery
form

can i just sing or write or paint you?
you are too lovely to be caged in words
and it will always be better to touch you with my hand
than kiss you through bars of rhymes

CherryRed 022015